Published November 5, 2017 by 51percentawesome

I remember in 2013 laying awake in my shipping container and feeling *not okay*. Getting in my car to drive to a friends so he would cook me food and I could eat, cry and sleep.

I remember in 2014 going to cry to empty and cleanse my heart, and finding I could breathe, or cry, but I couldn’t do both.

I remember walking two, or maybe three steps and then waiting, for the boy behind me to get close enough to push. Sleeping downstairs so I didn’t have to walk up.

I remember when the muscle spasms started, I remember the mindless fatigue and endless scrolling in one armchair, too tired to cook and eat. Happily laying and staring at the wall. I remember driving and being unable to comprehend roadwork signage, my eyes blurry and my brain confused.

Skip ahead and I remember sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. Nausea in the shower and in the sun.

I remember walking to the toilet and laying on the floor, too tired to walk back. I remember inexplicably falling down the stairs two mornings in a row, grazing my arm. I remember the panic of being unable to name the suburb we lived in, or picture our house.

It’s been 13 months since I was able to walk. 5 months since I last crawled. My calves sit flat against the bone, my hips hollow inwards where muscles were.

And throughout it all
What is happening to me
How do I make it better.

Over and over and over.

What is this. How do I… Maybe I can… Maybe I should have… Why is this happening. How do I…

I live in hope and faith in my heart. My intention and purpose is to heal. To walk and swim and dance and have sex.

But sometimes. When I lay on my side and my body goes into spasms from the effort of holding me up and I consider the possibility of becoming too weak to lay on my side. when I have to hang new curtains because the light is searing into my brain, a symptom I thought I’d left behind,

I’m frightened.



Published March 6, 2017 by 51percentawesome

‘trust me…. you got this’

Trust in a higher power, trust in divinity, trust in interconnectedness. Trust you are loved. Trust you will not be given more than you can handle. Trust that in your time of need, you will not be forsaken, and in the darkest, most exhausted hours, when you can no longer walk yourself… you will be carried.

eyes leaking. unable to cry all the tears lest left gasping for air.

fear to walk through the unspeakable. to reach the darkest part. to use your last reserve. and then go further.

to speak and not be heard.

to suffer and have it misunderstood.

to be dismissed, ignored, argued with, blamed.

to be left alone in the time of need.

to be exhausted and have more demanded.

to find no safe refuge in which to rest.

to have unremitting pain beyond what is bearable.

to be left alone and powerless in the face of unspeakable grief, without comfort

to never find rest, to be stuck in perpetual exhaustion and struggle, without place.

to be unable.

to have pain with no relief.

the relief will come.
this too shall pass.

All bets are off

Published August 8, 2016 by 51percentawesome


I hear that when AIDS first happened, doctors didn’t know what was happened and assumed it was psychosomatic. Until people died, and they found a biomarker.

The problem with chronic fatigue is that you don’t die. With no disrespect intended to those with terminal illness, at least you know that the pain and restriction will end- usually you’ll either die, or you’ll recover.

Quality of life for people with chronic fatigue is worse than those on kidney dialysis or with cancer (study).The suicide rate is six or seven times the rest of the population.

I can move my arms, my legs, I can talk and laugh and dance and sing and do my own shopping and cooking and showering.

But for every 30 second block of activity, I will pay. With instant heavy limbs, dizziness, breathlessness. With sound and light sensitivity that makes the smallest rustle spread pain through my body like an electric shock. I will whimper as my arms and legs tremble, as suddenly I’m spent, as my gland swell, my arm pits ache, and the touch of material on my skin overwhelms me. I will lay awake, exhausted but unable to sleep, yearning to escape the nightmare that becomes my body. Exhaustion that goes on and on and on.

So I sit up slowly. I stop moving my arms, gesturing, dancing in the car. I stay away from people I don’t know, text instead of phone call. I weigh it up before I reach for things, before I move. I hold onto my pee. I rest my body on doorways, my head on couches, I sit on the floor. I stay in bed. My partner carries me to the toilet to maximise the energy I’ll have left for talking and eating, and extend the reach of the day. I only eat soft foods so my jaw doesn’t ache. I mininise sex and try not to move too much. Mininise, maximise. Careful with those spoons. If I manage it carefully, I won’t go into meltdown.

No playing with puppies. Swimming. Hot baths and showers, laying in the sun. Staying up late. Eating out for dinner. Walking on the beach. Driving. Chopping vegetables. Using my arms to pat the cat. Watering the garden.


Not it if I want to make it through the day.

Squishina, the miracle chicken

Published May 26, 2016 by 51percentawesome

The last time I saw Squish, Goldie, B1 and B2, I was laying on the brick wall sunbathing with my belly out. Murph rolled in the grass, Kai did some push-ups and I laughed. Squish started to preen, because she knew I was watching over her and her family, doing my best to keep them safe.

Unfortunately I couldn’t keep her safe for always, and 8 months after her sisters died, the fox got her too.

Better to die free than to live in a cage.

RIP Squish 23/11/2014-22/5/2016

The wise wolf said,
(as the ragged dog snarled)
it is, as it is.

Why wish for longer, when life is still finite?
The end will come, will come, will come.
Whether now, or later, you must let go eventually.

Why wish for safety and only joy?
The yin for the yang for the yin
And the breadth and the depth of what life has to offer, is more than can be contained in peace

So, yes, he right. Experience.

And for those you love, wish growth. May they know the pain of reaching beyond comfort, safety and peace.

And as you love them, wish only to walk beside them. To catch them as they fall. To see them fully as they are, with your whole heart. To share the struggles, and the triumphs. And when they leave, celebrate, how very much they experienced. How not a moment, a blade of grass or a breath was missed or wasted.

That is love, that is life.

In gratitude, I say goodbye with thanks for every moment, every morning that was too hard to get up- for chickens who were waiting for me, who trusted me, who walked beside me. For every day, choppy and drowning, that was punctuated by the constant of a chicken who wanted to be with me day and night, who felt better with me around, and who considered me family.

It’s a strange thing to love a chicken. And not something anyone could understand, if they haven’t taken the time to watch, to listen, to sit and experience the world through the eyes of a 25cm tall worm-lover. Squish was courageous. She was pig-headed. She was fiercely protective and devoted to her fam bam, adopted or not. She was determined, persistent and forgiving. Squish was the smartest, most intelligent and capable chicken I have ever known. The world is harsh, and life as a chicken is a dangerous business. Would that she could talk, I’m sure she could have explained to me how to love her better, though perhaps she would’ve just squawked that she wanted to be upstairs, in the quiet, with me.

Me too, Squish, me too. I raised you as a person because to me, you were 6 feet tall. I will miss you always, though I am relieved you are free, released, reunited.


With Squish, we got a second chance. Every day was precious, because we knew, had felt, had seen, how fragile life is.

It’s terrifying, trying to honour ourselves, and the ones we love, and our worldly obligations, without sacrifice or ignorance.

Squish, Aurora, Phoenix and Constance- they gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. To love them, care for them, share the joy of sunshine and grass with them. They gave me a reason to come home, to put them to bed. Their mornings and evenings regulated my life, my days. Being in service to them, being of service, brought me immeasurable joy. Without them this morning, this evening, Who am I now? What do I do?

Someone new I guess, something different.

Moving forward, I pray for their safe passage. I pray in gratitude for their release. (It’s funny people are relieved at the elderly’s release from physical pain but not always for the death of us all, with spiritual release).

More so, I pray for forgiveness. From the heavens, for my shortcomings. For when I loved at 70%, not 110%. When I held back, when I put off outside time for tomorrow, when I was harsh or selfish or rough with those I have loved. I will need to forgive myself my human limitations, I will need to continually accept that I cannot and will not ever be perfect in an ultimate sense, and that each day as I do my best, that whatever happens is perfect, as is. I may not believe it has happened for a reason, I may look to find divine purpose or utility but more than anything, I will hold the unfolding in my heart as precious,

as it is, as it was, as it will be.


Life is hard. Even more so for a chicken. Since Squish had her head bitten off, I am overwhelmed at once by the feeling of wanting to give her more- more comfort, more joy, more peace of mind. Give her a safe space where she can preen and nap, one eye at a time. I guess what strikes me is the realisation that nothing is perfect, that this, right here, this house with a jrinchy landlord and fox that stalked her for 8 months, these two unruly fighting adopted teenage boys- this is her life. And while I wanted to give her more, that’s not how life is. We make the best of what we have, steal moments when we can, and hope it is enough.

it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, I wanted her to have felt happy, secure, joyful, at peace, full of love and food and nothing more.

Life isn’t about nirvana, and love isn’t about perfection.

What matters is that squish lived fully, that she experienced everything life has to offer a miracle chicken- sun, worms, dust baths, conflict, disappointment, change.

It’s equally as easy to fall in the trap of wanting more. More time. Just one more cuddle, one more day, one more minute.

The nature of mortality is that the end will come, that is certain.

I read today ‘it’s not about the about of years in the life, but the life in the years.’

Squish lived a lot of life in her years.

While Murphy won’t miss you pecking his head, I sure will miss hearing you, holding your warm body, scratching your belly, bringing you scraps, watching you express yourself and enjoy the sun, enjoy the dust. Thank you for opening up kai’s heart with your chicken-y wonder.

We’ll miss watching you at sunset, the afternoon walk, and listening to you chatter at bedtime.

Forever sunflower seeds, and endless soldier fly larvae.

weight-loss: how to

Published April 18, 2016 by 51percentawesome
  1. travel, get a difficult to eradicate parasite. bugs like blastocystis multiply as you eat, so the  more you eat, the less you’ll weigh. also reduces the desire to eat. perfect.
  2. develop subsequent food intolerances and allergies. this will make it painful to eat 80-90% of foods, especially those found in restaurants and social situations, so you will be forced under pain of punishment to keep it minimal.This will eradicate the ability to eat most foods including but not limited to dairy, gluten, all pastries, cakes, most lollies, the ‘healthy’ replacements based on cashew nut or coconut flour, beer, cider, nightshade vegetables such as tomatoes/potatoes/eggplant/chilli. Take it one step further with a salicylate intolerance to eliminate meat and veg, or go full hog carbohydrate intolerant.
  3. add some stress/a pregnancy to progress to level ultimate chronic fatigue (in case the bug didn’t trigger it already) which will ensure you don’t eat at home either, as your arms will be too tired and achey to flounder around in the kitchen. step back from the blender, fatty, get back in bed and starve
  4. with enough time, the above measures will fully exhaust your adrenals. when your cortisol drops, this will create a physical anxiety disorder with heart palpitations, panic attacks and intermittent nausea. Combined with the above, this will remove basically any chance of you establishing regular mealtimes or maintaining body fat.

    Ta-da! You’re never seeing your booty again. 10/10.

He left

Published March 22, 2016 by 51percentawesome

Again. Not surprised, not surprising.

Standing in shock in dark, cold, beneath a full moon. Holding my sleeves on an empty road. A car appears and it flicks to high-beam and drives right on past me.

I vacuum and my parents visit and my legs tremble and my armpits sweat as I tell them ‘he said he never wants to see me again. he said he is out of patience for me’ and my eyes fuzz and I hold onto the ground as my dad replies ‘you do have a lot of baggage’.

He left.

Why? Are you serious though? How can I believe you when this morning you said you wanted to spend your life with me? How can you go to that from holding me to you and stroking my hair as I fell asleep, in a drool puddle on your chest? What happened?

Avoidant personality disorder.

Bipolar disorder.

Labels take a while to make sense, to mean something real with a tangible reality, when they are applied to someone other than yourself.

He said he wanted to travel alone. Time slowed down again. Time became quiet, almost silent. Just a gentle whooshing and the thud of a distant pulse, probably mine, as I breathe in, breathe out, breathe in.



I need to get serious, though

Published February 23, 2016 by 51percentawesome

Relationship contract.


I declare I am in sound mind and faculties and am fully capable, to the best of my knowledge, of making this commitment. I declare I have no problematic or unresolved drug, alcohol or gambling problems, or other addictions such as but not limited to computer gaming or pornography. I have completed an internal review and based on my past experiences and sum knowledge of myself I am capable of being loving, honest and kind within an intimate relationship.  Likewise, I have fully considered and assessed all relevant aspects of my potential partner and I consider us to be compatible based on personality, values and life goals. I understand my potential partner to be strong-willed, intelligent and free-spirited, and I willingly choose this. I understand that a loving relationship requires introspection and growth and I accept this. I understand this contract can be amicably dissolved under the circumstance that our personalites, values or life goals change to such an extent as to make this relationship no longer desirable.

If and when, however, I decide I am unwilling or unable to meet the requirements of this relationship, for reasons including but not limited to: a sense of inadequacy, resentment from residual and unaddressed parental issues, unresolved emotional attachments to previous partners or friends, interference from friends and family which I fail to mitigate, or any number of infidelities including intentional lying, lying by omission, kissing or having sexual relations with a member of the same or opposite sex without prior consent, our termination fee is $1000.

The relationship will be terminated in the event of repeated neglect or abuse, including but not limited to avoiding contact outside a reasonable turnaround time (4 hours work day, 9 hours overnight) without warning or reasonable explanation, creating expectations which are then revoked without reasonable explanation (such as texting from work and then getting resentful when texted at work, travelling a lot for the relationship and then getting angry when requested to drive), making commitments such as but not limited to planning to move in together, planning to work together, planning to have children together, planning to travel together which are later revoked with no logical reason, engaging in crazy making behaviours such as ignoring expressions of distress or dismissing perceptions (you’re thinking too much, you’re reading into it), consuming or participating in violent, degrading or otherwise harmful sexual paraphernalia, as well as any of the above listed violations.

The above trangressions will incur the stated break of contract fee. Should the relationship then resume, the contract is considered to renewed and the termination fee will apply for each individual transgression.

This clause is legally binding and will be pursued in a civil court of law as required. Payment can be made in cash, credit card, direct deposit or via PayPal.