All posts for the month May, 2012

Every now and then, I breathe

Published May 29, 2012 by 51percentawesome

Once, I kept a copy of letters. Now, signed and sealed without a backwards glance.

I attempted to cull, and now I have 13 more friends than when I started.
I want to ask those not subscribed to defriend me, but they’re not listening.

My attention is turned back inwards, to matters of the heart and mind, and that frustrates me.

I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot, I guess not.


Friday night’s a great night for cooking

Published May 26, 2012 by 51percentawesome

Making something from nothing.
Although, we never actually have nothing, we always have something.
So what am I doing?

Just hanging out.

Painstakingly peeling red apples with knives sharpened on the back of other knives.

Without the glossy skin, the bruises become evident. And underneath, it’s rotten to the core.

Surprised but not disgusted… I cut it out.

I have never seen such a pretty apple; I have never adored one so; I have never seen one so rotten. Wet.
I have never seen such a thing in my life, as three, blind, mice.

I eat it. I’m the kind of person who licks the knife blade clean.

Meltdown pending.

Published May 23, 2012 by 51percentawesome

Monday. Seated under a tree in the sun at uni, my laptop won’t turn on. I write pages, in my messy scrawl. Groggily blink on the duckpond lawn. Upstairs on a beanbag with the last remaining light slanted through the window, the laptop turns on but the internet won’t connect. IT Stewart remedies this. Left my headphones at home. Consume lentils and corn chips while checking emails. I want something sweet. It’s less noisy at ‘Out to Lunch’. My vegan walnut date bread is delicious, but my phone refuses to take a picture. The couch is covered with happy students, my laptop battery dies again. FFS.

I’m making order forms and produce lists. I am online marketing and promoting. Local, organic veggies boxes for $25 bucks rockin’ my world for the past year or so, and now I’m sharing the love. My Wednesday and Thursday are devoted to getting the word out here. It’s going so well, this week there were no bananas left for my box. Problematic.

Tuesday. I feel fed, satisfied and warm, though yet to begin today’s study. Nauseous from the smell of fresh paint.

Today, I:

ground flaxseed
washed dishes
washed clothes
sorted books and jewellery
saged room
cleaned candle wax off the bathroom windowsill
hung clothes
vacuumed room
stapled and sorted uni notes
moved bed-head onto lawn and painted it
assembled bed

changed sheets
rearranged room
hung a wall hanging
cooked curry, burnt curry, ate curry
showered, twice

The intensity of procrastination increases in direct proportion of the assignment due, as evidenced above.

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Blur. I’m not today what I am supposed to be doing.

41 verbs

Published May 15, 2012 by 51percentawesome

My cat comes running in, and sits beside me, alert and a little twitchy. He is a fat cat, and doesn’t run anywhere except to his food bowl, and away from the dog. And that’s how today was.

I woke up an hour and a half before my alarm, which was apparently the right time. My alarm was set 4 hours before its usual time, to give you an idea.

42 minute interview, learn to transcribe. Sit in sun, play fetch, Tweet about the sun. Inspect garden, eat strawberries, move plants. Roast potatoes with jam. Sort cupboards and drawers. Shower, dress, empty compost. Send texts. Puzzle over how smoothie got on the kitchen ceiling.

Lunchtime presentation on setting up a small business: passion, energy, yeah yeah that’s sorted, but what about the ACTUAL business set-up? Intuition win: run into person I’m half-way through emailing. Survive barely hostile interactions with ex-boyfriend. View potential co-op space. Suggest ideas. Write business plan. Phone meeting re: June. Eat leftovers. Set-up voicemail. Another¬†fortuitous¬†meeting. Print book draft. Realise I have had the contacts I need all along.

Bounce ball, in pink mittens.

Consider painting bed.

Yoga is cancelled and I am relieved, that’s how constructive my day was.

The kind of constructive that required hydration.

I want to sleep with the sunset. Instead, I come inside, write, and scrub the ceiling.

Fucking Switzerland

Published May 11, 2012 by 51percentawesome

Some things are not negotiable. Like death, and other people’s priorities.

I don’t remember the last time I brushed my teeth
It may have been a week ago
I left my toothbrush somewhere.
I also don’t remember when I last shampooed my hair or shaved my armpits
Take that, society.

He is standing on his tiptoes in front of her… and
Now I understand jealousy.

Sunset over the beaches

Published May 3, 2012 by 51percentawesome

‘Aren’t they cute? Knee high to a grasshopper’. Sylus, the three-year old, waddle runs and reminds me of an oompa loompa. The children are like puppies, they bound around, falling over their feet chasing the ball. They crash into each other. Their mothers are alert and only three steps away when they have a boo boo and cry.

My eyes sting. I attempt to connect with the world around me.

A grandmother in a red shirt holds her camera and records every socceroo moment.

I blink and slowly comprehend that I need to move the basket on the bench beside me to make room for two grandpas.

I had two grandpa’s, once.

Blink. The elderly gentleman is talking to me about the children, his wife is pointing out which one they are here to watch play.

I was that little, once.

Blink. Yeah, I can be loud, sure. Enthusiasm plus, that’s me. I’ll come in and blow enthusiastically on a whistle for an hour every Saturday morning at 9am, why not. Coach Angela, with her own blue t-shirt. I’m a night person, and that won’t even buy me a slab of cocoa butter, but shit, I could do with some cuteness in my life. So much hope in dem lil shiny baby eyes.

My eyes are red-rimmed and I am conscious of it. In the bathroom I am surprised at how together I look.

Coffee Black and egg-white fucking fine.

I smile, nod and agree, and bounce enthusiastically at the correct times. I tick all the boxes. It comes easily.

He wants a commitment from me. I’m in, right? Gonna do this? I shrug, and smile, Why not? You’re gonna pick me up in the mornings, right?

And as easily as it comes, it goes.

I’m walking on a treadmill, a hamster wheel; I’m treading water, paddling circles in a lake. I have tried and failed more times in these last months than I have in my entire life. Another plan B bites the dust.

Luckily, coming home coincides with an overdue business meeting, rolls me into the lap of a man who thinks I can make something happen.

(Maybe if I find enough people who think I can make it happen, I will believe in what I have created).

I call my mother, and tell her I need to decide what to do, and she says, I can’t help you with that my dear.

And isn’t that the truth.