waiting for a red light so I can turn/
Sitting in a dark room with a broken glass window, on the floor looking at a room bigger than I remembered.
Finally getting to walk out the front door and close it behind me.
Time for demolition, soon. Maybe first, I can open and close that door a few more times.
The deep yearnings of the human steer us beyond comprehension. Quietly, stealthily; we think we are in control.
Unfolding them in wonderment, flabbergasted that most of the time I have no idea of the conclusions I have drawn which have shaped my current life down to the minutiae.
“Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout with some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.” -George Orwell
Oh angela. Listen. Your problems are an illusion you create out of a deep desire to understand yourself through experience. Once you realise you are the apex as well as the climber who looks to the summit, you realise that the mountain you climb is yourself, and the 100,000 words you speak of are the very formations over which you traverse to reunite yourself with your higher, truer self. Breathe. Look to the summit. Keep climbing. The view will transform you. After all, ye hath asked, and ye shall receiveth!
Your pilgrimage is worthwhile. Stop convincing yourself otherwise. Idea of oneself is a tool, not a reality. Use yourself as a platform to propel your real self further than you feel you have the strength for. If you really need, ill catch you if you fall, dust you off and get you back on the wall. We climb walls together these days, instead of beating our heads on them. Brick walls and bowling balls…
Depending on the quality moreso than the quantity, part of us is grieving, to a greater or lesser extent. While we interact with those around us, making casual chit chat with those around us, there may be a two year old in our lap that’s had a boo boo, kicked his/her toe, and requires our attendance. Just the absentminded back stoking contact, one hand rubbing slow constant circles as we make casual chit chat. Excusing ourself to put them down to bed, or calling a premature end to the play date should a tantrum be pending. Watching for the signs, respecting the oncoming wave. Not pushing the point or creating unnecessary tension. Just moving with a responsive, calm and attentive flow.