Published February 4, 2015 by 51percentawesome

Encounters with another soul that leave me aching.

Feeling ‘I will do anything, anything you ask, just tell me what to do’.

Realising with relief, this is not the ache of troubled jerk lust, some rambling toward my own destruction. Nor is it some lack of self-respect, self-control, matyr like sacrifice…

It is surrender to the divine, in a form I can recognise. Not surrender to this sweet, awe-inspiring, untouchable man- but surrender to the yearnings of my own heart. Not to have him, but to be like him. The sacrifice I am willing to make to become who I want to be. The feeling that I can patiently wait my whole life for just one moment with this person who resonates all I wish to embody; this is the feeling of wanting to know myself, to spend a lifetime growing in order to spend just a few precious moments with myself, as the woman I yearn to be.

I want to be free. Free to travel, to speak my mind, to open my heart.

I want to be free to withdraw in solitude by the sea and write.

I want to be brave. Brave enough to speak my truth to the masses, to face my demons, and to walk a lonely and cold path, if necessary.

I want to be strong and fierce; in communion with my body daily, as it grows from self-love, and provides me sure footing and the ability to flip upside down.

I want to fill my own well. I want to be clever enough to succeed in supporting myself. I want to shrug off the cloud of pain, doubt and fear and sit in clarity about who I am. I want to create from the  heart, with hope for the future of humanity.

I want to be independant. I want to find my own way, pay my own bills, not needing to rely on anyone else to house, clothe or feed me, or my dreams.

I want to march to the beat of my own drum without apology; I want to speak beautifully and have that connection uplift, heal and inspire others.

I want connection to the divine, I want it to guide my life, to steer me. I want to be strong and brave enough to give in and let go.


One comment on “yearnings

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