After a year here, I’m leaving this house without having been able to enjoy and experience it. I didn’t have much left to lose but for the first time in a while, the illness feels real. Something new to miss out on, that I can’t get back.
I feel alienated. Others can’t relate to me, I’m struggling to relate to myself. I feel my aloneness, in the face of deep undercurrents.
I don’t see mirrors much these days but when I do I seem sad and old. I feel heavy and sometimes I notice the corners of my mouth pulling downwards. I don’t look pretty anymore. I’m concerned I’ll become bitter from grief and disappointment and a lack of love and joy.
I don’t know how to fix it.
Life anchor, four paws holding me here.