blastocystis hominis

Published January 15, 2016 by 51percentawesome

‘There’s something I missed… it’s nothing dangerous’ his voicemail says.

Runny poos. No poos. Cramps, if I eat fruit… if I eat veg. When I eat grains. When I eat nuts…. When I eat anything. Colic.

‘You’ve lost so much weight! Why don’t you eat something!’

I start to add fats and sugars, when I do eat.

Taking another pregnancy test, because I’m nauseous.

BMI less than 18.5. You are underweight for your height. It’s important to aim to keep within your healthy weight range. If you’re concerned about your weight or you are losing weight without trying, talk to your doctor to make sure there aren’t any other problems causing this. Being in the healthy weight range will improve your body’s ability to fight off infection or illness.

Like recurrent guardeneralla infections, stinging my vagina and deterring me from sex. Ringworm that spreads from my back, to my belly, and now down my arms.

Laying awake at midnight, desperately googling every kind of mite I can think of. Saying ‘this happens occasionally *shrug*, while systematically scratching the skin off every surface of my body until it collects under my nails and runs down the drain. Pruritis. Learning the word for this, even though the liver tests come back clear.

Standing in front of the mirror staring at the place where my boobs used to be.

My boyfriend lagging behind our group of friends for me to catch up, so he can push me up the hill. Avoiding going upstairs. Fatigue. Crashing at 5pm each day, while the dishes pile up and the house becomes uncomfortable. Laying in bed staring at my phone, even though there’s so much I want to do. Malaise.

My iron levels drop.

Can’t hold my phone anymore, my elbows ache. My hips, my knees; I point and my boyfriend massages.

Standing up, holding onto the bedpost and waiting for the black out to pass. This happens occasionally.

Nothing dangerous.

Published December 21, 2015 by 51percentawesome

/the relentless march of time

when something is lost, no more

one part of you stays, still, in that moment

while the rest is dragged into the future.

each time you cry, you call back to that loss self

and hand over hand pull pieces back into the present

with incrementally smaller returns each time.

some will stay there for always

while you heal over the wound

of what is missing/



HSP. Sensitive. Empath.

Published October 10, 2015 by 51percentawesome

While you muddle your way along, I am watching. Quietly observing. Deeply absorbing.

My responses to you are tentative. Gentle. Feathered. I am playful.

Inside I am calibrating. Culmulating.

Time moves on, events unfold. Immediate, but gentle responses. Careful.

Inside I am feeling deeply.

I voice my concerns, low volume. I attempt to guide you, to guide us.¬†Yet frustration is building, in all the places you can’t see.

Conclusions start to come. Calculating. You let me down here, and here, and here. You hurt me here. And here. and here.

I don’t want to play anymore.


Published August 3, 2015 by 51percentawesome

Completion. Like the emptiness after an orgasm.

The heartache of separation bothers me the most because I can no longer express and communicate, perhaps.

426 days. And most of them spent in ambivalence.

‘The biggest mistake I have made is letting people stay in my life longer than they deserved’.

Or maybe, the biggest mistake I have made is closing my heart and pushing away people because it hurt too much.

Being told, you are closing your heart because you think it will protect you, but only if you leave it open will you have wisdom and clarity.

Time comes to a standstill and leaves me gasping for air.

A shared history, a shared understanding, hopes and dreams and secrets, abandoned. To the void, to dust.

Someone said to me today they can see I’m willing to let go, even if I don’t like it. Is that what this is? To me it feels like an unfolding.

Feelings are scary. I need a best friend and a tub of ice-cream.

It’s all well and good to talk of growth, change, evolution as a cicada shedding her shell… but to pull your life apart to rebuild again and again?

This is love, apparently.


Published February 4, 2015 by 51percentawesome

Encounters with another soul that leave me aching.

Feeling ‘I will do anything, anything you ask, just tell me what to do’.

Realising with relief, this is not the ache of troubled jerk lust, some rambling toward my own destruction. Nor is it some lack of self-respect, self-control, matyr like sacrifice…

It is surrender to the divine, in a form I can recognise. Not surrender to this sweet, awe-inspiring, untouchable man- but surrender to the yearnings of my own heart. Not to have him, but to be like him. The sacrifice I am willing to make to become who I want to be. The feeling that I can patiently wait my whole life for just one moment with this person who resonates all I wish to embody; this is the feeling of wanting to know myself, to spend a lifetime growing in order to spend just a few precious moments with myself, as the woman I yearn to be.

I want to be free. Free to travel, to speak my mind, to open my heart.

I want to be free to withdraw in solitude by the sea and write.

I want to be brave. Brave enough to speak my truth to the masses, to face my demons, and to walk a lonely and cold path, if necessary.

I want to be strong and fierce; in communion with my body daily, as it grows from self-love, and provides me sure footing and the ability to flip upside down.

I want to fill my own well. I want to be clever enough to succeed in supporting myself. I want to shrug off the cloud of pain, doubt and fear and sit in clarity about who I am. I want to create from the  heart, with hope for the future of humanity.

I want to be independant. I want to find my own way, pay my own bills, not needing to rely on anyone else to house, clothe or feed me, or my dreams.

I want to march to the beat of my own drum without apology; I want to speak beautifully and have that connection uplift, heal and inspire others.

I want connection to the divine, I want it to guide my life, to steer me. I want to be strong and brave enough to give in and let go.