Loss, patience & forbearance

I dimly remember what it was like, when it started. The loss. When it felt like the world would end/had ended, when I didn’t know how I could possibly go on, when it felt impossible and unfair and inconceivable. Before the seventh, eighth, twentieth onebyoneeverythingisstrippedaway

Somewhere inside me I remember gasping for air, the disorientation, the indignance. I remember when I was blessed to be indignant at life.

Now, well. Life has brought me to my knees too many times to be indignant like that anymore. The innocence of a life unbroken and a worldview unshattered is long, long, long fucking gone.

I know my place. More than anything, I learnt that it can always, always

always, a l w a y s—be worse,

Wherever you are, whatever inconceivable, life changing, rug pulled out from under you, wings clipped, thing-you-took-for-granted taken from you situation you are in, I guarantee you it can be worse.

In ways that your innocent mind cannot now currently conceive of -(as you gasp shocked mouth open how!, hands on hips like a child)- in the same way that you-prior-to-this, couldn’t conceive of whatever is now happening to you.

Life’s capacity for upheaval, loss, bereavement is limitless, it is beyond your comprehension and your control, you are powerless before it. And what it can ask of you, of your heart, of your patience and resilience and forbearance, is limitless too.

So kneel. Humble yourself before it, sooner rather than later. Start counting your blessings like rosary beads, and treasuring everything you have and love (cos eventually, you’re gonna lose it all too).

Make the most of it right now and don’t waste another fucking second.

Alien

In early 2014 in the shower I touched the guy I loved who was leaving, and I could feel the electricity bubble in the water of his skin.

Everything has changed from that moment, and since that moment, it feels like my reality has crept steadily farther and farther away from anything that the people I’ve known can relate to.

One by one, everything gets stripped away.

Everyone’s in isolation now, not just me. It makes me laugh, at the disruption and their bewilderment, which also reinforces the sense of separation, even as they inch closer towards me.

Last year I started working in earnest with these sensations of others that hijack and overrun my body; going deep within and asking okay, what do I do now, hearing the answers and following them, every minute of every day now, except when I’m not, because I’m tired, and my brain is hazy, and none of this makes any sense.

I hold it all secret and tender and fragile, and huge and awe inspiring, all close to my chest and protected, where no one can break it or pull me astray, reinforces the separation

I keep myself away from information or input or help, making sure that every single step comes from inside me and isn’t unduly waylaid or influenced or confused by input reinforces the sense of separation

I feel the distress and frustration and upset wash over, not knowing whose it is or why it’s here, swamping flooding drowning me, and rather than reach out, I lay still, I go in, I ask what to do (and I might resist for a bit), but then I move in and I do it, as best as I can…. separation separation separation

so now I’m tired and I’m hazy and I’m frightened and I’m underwater, and everytime I ask ‘am I doing it right’ the answer is no… the answer is the same but moremoremore, and it’s possible to do that, but gosh…

It’s not that complicated really except that something happened and I stopped trusting myself for a bit, doubting it all, fierce spirit worn down, so now this resistance [itssomuch], and I can’t ‘can’t let it go and I can’t, break, through….’

That was the song, when he left. He didn’t tell me that a song was playing much, like I do these days,

where every morning I wake and I can hear the soundtrack of the day, and I don’t know if it’s mine or if it belongs to the men whose energy is coursing through my veins (and presumably vice versa)…

But he gave me that song and I cried and I didn’t know why I was crying and then he left…. left me with this seed, this contagion, this thing that implanted and then spread through all of my consciousness until I feel and felt the electricity of everything, all the time….

And now I’m getting good, I’m becoming competent, the progression is inching forward (glacially) so now finally I’m not at the whim anymore, this should be the time when I’m celebrating and feeling empowered…

But I feel drained and tired and hazy. And dizzy. Why am I dizzy?

Because you stopped… you need to do it moremoremore

Sigh.