I love you.
But with every passing day this chasm widens
the moments between external connection widen
in breaths and in pulses
I say to her, the place I reside in is deep
it is difficult to communicate
..from the beyond
Every day, pulling it in, pulling it out
Purging, processing, feeling it all
Inhabiting silence
down underneath the waves holding like kelp roots in the sand
watching the chatter pass above like disturbances on the surface
Transient noise, unwelcome
Shh, shh.
Irritating fuss, muffled and on the other side of the surface of (now disturbed) water,
water as barrier,
and my attention listening to something beyond.
Them to move on. Me to stay rooted.
Watering sequoia, growing my hair
Untangling cat
Refilling the water bowl and changing the sheets and running the vacuum across the floors,
and in and out and in out in out
I heard someone say that mastery of a skill makes it harder to teach
as it becomes automated, habitual
and the gap in comprehension widens beyond what you experience, and what you can explain
As I watch and I breathe and out and in
I wonder, is that what this is?
A mindfulness so encompassing, that you can’t see what I see
A trained presence, where you can’t perceive what I perceive
Like I am watching us both, and you aren’t seeing either of us
at least not in this particular way.
A reality I am alone in,
in the unseen.
Deepening into the mystery, beyond even the place where I can reach
to pull myself out to meet you.
And beyond the desire to, too…
only wanting to speak what is core, central, absolute,
what can be felt and received,
more often unable to do so—
mistrustful
of sullied, tangled, thoughts and feelings,
of the mind and its tentacles running through us,
and below that, true silence…
digging, only to find myself quiet and still,
as though very soon I’ll have nothing to say, at all.
awkwardangel 